I Love You Ma!

The time has come to put into the test the words that I have been preaching for, the mantra that I have been practicing lately, about letting go.

When I speak about these things, my friends would always refer to my romantic relationships especially when I post 'letting go' phrases on my FB shout outs. Little do they know that I am just trying to prepare myself for, perhaps, the most painful detachment that I would be experiencing: letting go of the person whom you loved most.

Our mom has always been the best mother for us. And I know your mom too is one of the greatest.

Ever since we were kids, mom will always find ways to spend quality time with us. Unlike other families, we are not well-off. Mom was a drugstore clerk and father was an occasional construction worker. We previously lived in an old abandoned hospital. That was all they can afford. We stayed in the nursery room and literally slept on hospital beds. Often times she works on graveyard shifts and came home tired. Yet during her rest days, we dine outside minus our father. He rarely goes out with us unless forced to. Mom was the bread winner and the head of the family even if she tries to convince us that our father is, which unfortunately, failed to convince me.

Dine out? Yes we dine out during her rest days but not in posh restaurants. We usually go to a barbecue corner somewhere in B. Aranas St. Mom would then ask us to choose which barbecue we like to have but only limited to three sticks due to budget constraints. I always opted for that pork barbecue with that sweet and tasty fat at the end. My sisters go for the hotdogs. And of course, we can have unlimited puso[hanging rice] and an 8 oz bottle of coke. We just sit in a corner and enjoy the meal and the company. We always look forward to it every week.

She has always been very supportive but never did she try to spoil us. Yes, we sometimes get the toys we want but not all. She enrols us to group activities that we want like swimming, basketball, and karate classes. No. These were not expensive training sessions because usually we had it from summer classes sponsored by Milo and the like. And for some of you who might be asking right now if I joined the basketball classes, the answer is no. :P

Mom has always been permissive to us. I learned it from her that the more you restrict a child, the more rebellious s/he can get. This I believe is very effective, since she has raised us that way and made us who we are right now. She allows us to go to group outings, sleep overs, as long as she knows who we are with and where we are heading.

She is into macro management, which I think I also got it from her. When she asks me to do an errand, she doesn’t care how I do it. All she wants is I finish the task completely. She has also taught me about initiative. When a path approaches a dead end, stopping is not an option. She always reiterates that there are always alternative routes.

It is also because of her that I am this open minded, at least that is how I see myself now. We can talk for hours literally about anything, from science to spirituality. For me, she is the best teacher.

For many years she has the burden of raising us financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually. With the meagre salary that she receives, I was able to graduate from college including my two sisters.

Now, even if she is only 53 years old, the burden is taking its toll on her. Her health has been deteriorating since few years back. She can barely walk; yet, she keeps on going, still teaching in the university for it helps keep her mind busy and physically active. However, lately, she has been going in and out from the hospital. She has been diagnosed with diabetes. It runs in their family though. My grandfather had his leg cut off due this. Hypertension, muscle atrophy, edema, enlarged heart, are just a few of the illnesses she is currently having. And then our youngest sister just informed me few days back that mom had undergone dialysis which will continue from now on.

Her kidney is failing now. There are only two options that we can take to let her live longer: a) continue the dialysis which has to take at least three times a week and costs 3K PhP per session [200K PhP can support the dialysis for roughly 5 months only]; b) have a kidney transplant. I am still not convinced about the latter alternative. My mom doesn’t even want this option. A kidney transplant would require a lot of compatibility tests and it is not even an assurance that a new kidney will be taken effectively by her body. And even if she will have a new healthy kidney, that is not only her illness. Remember that her kidney failure is only one of the health complications she is having. The first option is indeed an alternative. Yes, the amount involve is huge, though difficult, we can surely find ways to get the cash needed. But the question is, for how long can we sustain? That I don’t know.

I have been trying to prepare myself for the coming days. This might sound harsh to others, yet I know that time will come, she will have to transcend and I have to accept the fact the there is nothing permanent in this world. The Buddhist parable of the mustard seed [click here to read it] is helping me realize that,

"How selfish am I in my grief! Death is common to all; yet in this valley of desolation there is a path that leads him to immortality who has surrendered all selfishness."

Yet, I am still trying to convince myself.

This month I have decided to come home to see once again my ailing mom; to sleep on her side; to feel her warmth; to hold her hands; to let her know how we love her so much and that she has raised such wonderful kids.

I love you Mama Amy!