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A very good friend of mine was reading my book (yeah I wrote one out of boredom. LOL. you can download it  here) and threw an interesting question about the Universe. We had an excellent discussion about our seemingly negligible existence. Here goes.

Friend: I find it a bit hard to connect "The Universe conspires in Helping you Achieve It" and "It should not interfere with other person's free will". I think even with mundane request to the universe, that within our frame of mind, will not in any way interfere with the free will of others, but by the causality of things, a small change, insignificant as it might seem can have dire/major consequences/effects on the future state of things. One can argue using chaos theory or the butterfly effect, that any requests made can ultimately be connected to free will of another person/entity within the universe. We know for a fact that there exist free will. Therefore the Universe can only function in one way, it cannot in any way conspire, or better put, suspend its laws for benefit some lifeform's mundane requests/orders, it can only be indifferent. What do you think? Care to enlighten a humble reader?

Lost Monk: There is what they call an individual consciousness and a universal consciousness. Your consciousness and my consciousness, these are all individual consciousness but it can also be a collective consciousness which is called the Universal Consciousness. To put in an analogy, you are like a cell inside a body. perhaps, you are a red blood cell and I am the white blood cell. The totality of the parts becomes the whole physical body, the Universal Consciousness. As a red blood cell, you have your own 'purpose' driven by your own 'will' and your own 'consciousness'. As a white blood cell, I too have my own will and consciousness. However, your physical body, as the totality of the parts, is not able to directly command the red and white blood cells to do this and that. It cannot tell these cells to heal this first and do that last. These cells are completely independent. Yet, the Universe, in this case the physical body, is able to help these cells achieve their goals by perhaps nourishing the body, but still these cells act independently.

As a white blood cell, there are times that I need reinforcements to boost the physical body's immune system, hence, i may send a 'request' to the body, perhaps through signs of imminent weakness thus will signal the physical body to nourish itself. In its request, the white blood cell has not tampered other's free will (e.g. red blood cell), and in the fulfillment of it's request, the physical body (the universe) has not interfered with the red blood cell's independent will.

In short, the universe helps you by creating a suitable environment that will aid you in achieving your purpose/goals.

In addition, 'free will' is a matter of perspective. Individually, we are independent of each other. But if you believe that we are driven by a collective consciousness, then there is no such thing as my will and your will since we are just one.

Friend: Honestly, it is a bit hard for me to process an idea in which the universe is given some sort of deeper, dare i say 'supernatural' dimension cause i believe that what is there is just what it is, the universe (no purpose and no meaning for its existence), and I can but only marvel in awe at its grandeur. I don't bother myself with assumptions, celestial teapots, invisible pink unicorns, the great flying spaghetti monster and the invisible, intangible dragon in my garage. Unsubstantiated assumptions like those only serves to add a layer of complexity over my quest to understand the universe as it is.

Lost Monk: It doesnt matter what others think. What matters most is what you believe in.

Below is a quote i lifted from one of the greatest teachers i consider. It's about the Universe.

“Amid the mad scramble, you DO make your own reality. I admit that sounds too simple, but you will not be caught in an earthquake if you do not want to be, and no one dies who has not decided to do so. You make your own reality, or you do not. And if you do not, then you are everywhere a victim, and the universe must be an accidental mechanism appearing with no reason. So that the miraculous picture you have seen of your body came accidentally into creation, and out of some cosmic accident attained its miraculous complexity. And that body was formed so beautifully for no reason except to be a victim. That is the only other alternative to forming your own reality. You cannot have a universe in between. You have a universe formed WITH a reason, or a universe formed WITHOUT a reason. And in a universe of reason, there are no victims. Everything has a reason or nothing has a reason. So, choose your side!” - Seth

Friend: But i think im on the NO reason side but still i dont see any victims.

Feeling like a victim of a harsh and totally indifferent universe is just an illusion. We feel like that because we place so much value on ourselves and our blue dot in space. But amidst the enumerable intertwined events in the universe, we dont really matter. We are not special, we dont have a special place in the cosmos. In fact, it could be that tomorrow, a rogue black hole can suddenly swing our way, or gamma radiation from the constellation Saggitarius hits us, which i think is an ironic tale as the mythical being is welding a bow, and sadly enough it might be aimed our way, or even our own sun which has nourished us and has been a constant in our days can suddenly turn and wipe us off the face of the planet. I then can ask, if we are gone, will the whole universe suffer an inconvenience or weep of the loss of a race? I dont think so. I fact is, of the vastness of the cosmos, at this very breath, i can say with an amount of certainty that out there, entire races or conscious lifeforms are going out of existence, but i ask, did the universe even pause to shed a tear, no, as with a battery commercial it keeps going and going for eons. Our view that the universe has a pupose and a reason, or even a meaning is just ourselves projecting our desires to matter on it and humanizing it. It stems from our thinking that we have a special place in the universe.

I thought of one way to think about your or our place in the cosmos. Its called "The Universe and The Toilet". The thought experiment goes this way. Think about the size of the earth, and how its endlessly doing laps around that sun accompanied by the moon. Think about all the things revolving around our local star, the planets, comets and asteroids. Now zoom back even further that you see the entire galaxy, at which point you can’t with any amount of careful attention make out the light from our local star, you begin so see huge stars being swallowed by the massive blackhole at the center of the galaxy. Now zoom back even further, to our local group, you will see about 5 or 6 galaxy seeming dancing and around each other some are even heading for a collision. At this point if you look around, you see points of light and each point you make out is not a star but an entire galaxy filled with billions of stars, billion upon billions of terrestrial planets, and possibly trillions of life forms all going about their existence and probably some entity out there is thinking about the same thing are you are. Now once you are in awe of the vastness of the universe and the countless objects within it, suddenly zoom back at where you are. You are sitting in the TOILET BOWL taking a crap thinking about the universe. Then ask yourself, out of all that, do i really matter for the universe? You will surely learn your place in the cosmos. And for those who believe that the reason for the universe's existence is us, its should be a humbling experience.

Lost Monk: I am so loving this discussion. J

The suffering and pain that we are experiencing right now are just a fraction of the experiences that our physical reality is undergoing. The physical reality is just one of the multidimensional personalities that exist. The pain/suffering is only a function of this physical reality and and may/do not exist in other realities. You are a personality which is a part of an entity. And this entity has several personalities that exist in a multidimensional universe. The physical reality that which we are in focus now, is, like i said, just a fraction of the entity.

The Universe grows as it's individual components grow. Similarly, the universal consciousness grows as the individual consciousness grows. The Universe is always in a state of becoming, so are we. It grows through the experiences of each entity and by which these entities have several personalities, and one of which is our personality in this physical reality. And death, as we know it is only a reality based on this physical existence. Thus, even if the world we live in will be sucked by a blackhole or will be totally destroyed this 2012, the Universe will never mourn for it is only the physical reality that seems to end.

All that we see is just a camouflage. The stars, the planets, and all that you think that exist are just merely illusions. You are not your body, and i guess you know that. The person you see in the mirror is a mere reflection of your physical existence. But we are far greater than that for our true self goes beyond physical existence. We do not cease to exist when our physical reality ends.

Perhaps these questions arise because we have 'lost' our connection to our true self/identity/entity since we are too focused on our physical existence. W thought that we are just a mere pebble along the shore yet we have forgotten that WE ARE the Universe. I am not referring to the physical universe but to the inner vitality / energy in the totality of things.

Friend: The disconnect here is that you have a deeper and mysterious force behind all of us and the universe, whereas i see it as only an only matter and energy. Conciousness for me is just synaptic firings in our brain and when we die, we die our conciousness ends and the universe could not care less. The universe sheding a tear is only a metaphor due to the lack of words to describe what would happen. The universe weeping is basically means that our disappearance from the face of this dot in space has to have some effect on the universe as a whole. I opted to use the weeping methaphor as the play on word can strike emotions making this a lot more interesting. But for me the way it could be if say i assume that the universe accept orders and wishes from us puny creatures, is that if it actually have the motions and the positions of the stars in the heavens are connected to our inidividual choices.

I think if my idea of the universe tries to make room for our wishes and whims, chaos theory dictates, one could say that to accomodate a choice i made, a star in heavens needs be moved. Remember no matter how mundane my request is it will eventually lead a disorder on the later state of the universe. But as it is we dont see stars moved or the laws of physics suspended at the huge parts of the universe, because I ordered the universe for some toilet paper. Hahaha.  

We both could not be more on opposite sides of our understanding of the universe, i think you deal more on giving the universe a deeper dimension. I on the otherhand take as i see and what i learned it is. For me their is no metaphysical dimension to this universe.

When my time runs out, it runs out not because i choose to, but my cells have degraded through entrophy and decay, my consciousness ends. In short, my epoch has ended. Now that i still exist i can only hope that i leave behind something i can be remembered for.

It is on discussion like this that we can tell that despite our daily routine that can make even a rock loose some IQ points. Im glad to see our brains cells still are able to fire and come up with brain farts.

Lost Monk: The interesting thing about this discussion is that we can neither prove/disprove each point since in this existence, most of us only accept facts if they are confirmed by our physical senses. If indeed there exist a greater dimension beyond what we see, smell, touch, hear, and taste, this can only be substantiated by the inner senses. Unfortunately, in this reality, this faculty is not well-tapped and is underdeveloped.

Perhaps these questions will still linger as humanity continues to search for the meaning of life and its existence, whether it is futile or not. Yet it can not be denied that as we live each day, we grow not only physically but consciously, and that we are always in a state of becoming.

Friend: I agree.. I don't doubt your sincerity on your beliefs because i know that it is as real for you as what i know is real for me. But this does not stop people from discussing hard questions, which i may say lead brain twisting things. In fact, i applaud your view on spirituality as i find it unorthodox and not that scripture rich or is it too early to say that since i'm barely clear the half way point on your book?

Lost Monk: If that book was published 100 years ago, I will surely end up tied to a stake with kindling piled around my feet then burned to death. Hahaha.

Friend: It is pointless to argue about these things, i find it much more fruitful to discuss

Lost Monk: I definitely agree with you. Truth is relative. That's why there are/were jihads and crusades. Unfortunately, death to those who do not share their beliefs.

Namaste.  

I Am What I Am

“Hey! Did you go to the Halloween party the other night?”, a friend asked.

“Nope. Did you?”

“They invited me but didn’t go because of work. I don’t have a costume too. I am poor.”

I was taken aback by his last statement. Though the phrase “you are what you think” is a cliché, yet it still holds true. When he said I am poor, it seems to me that he felt he is stuck there for good and can’t do anything about it.

It saddens me to think that we have forgotten that we choose the life that we live in. We have never been damned or condemned with a miserable life. Yet, sometimes, we blame it to ‘destiny’ and believing that we can’t do anything about it. When you say you are poor, it is because you have chosen to be one. When you say “I can’t do it!”, you always had an option to say, “Yes! I can do it!”.

Perhaps, some people would argue that there are those who are just lucky enough to be born in a privileged environment. I say, there is no such thing as luck for believing in such means you believe in an accidental universe. As what Seth has said,

“Amid the mad scramble, you DO make your own reality. I admit that sounds too simple, but you will not be caught in an earthquake if you do not want to be, and no one dies who has not decided to do so. You make your own reality, or you do not. And if you do not, then you are everywhere a victim, and the universe must be an accidental mechanism appearing with no reason. So that the miraculous picture you have seen of your body came accidentally into creation, and out of some cosmic accident attained its miraculous complexity. And that body was formed so beautifully for no reason except to be a victim. That is the only other alternative to forming your own reality. You cannot have a universe in between. You have a universe formed WITH a reason, or a universe formed WITHOUT a reason. And in a universe of reason, there are no victims. Everything has a reason or nothing has a reason. So, choose your side!”

Steve Jobs, who just died recently, was one of the richest men in the world, inventor, businessman and co-founder of Apple. He was not born rich. He was an adopted child. He has to return coke bottles for the 5 cent deposits to buy food, walk seven miles across town to get a good meal from a Hare Krishna Temple. The difference is Steve BELIEVED that he can change. He BELIEVED that HE CAN DO IT.

Thus keep in mind that the world is your stage and the life you live is your chosen role. Remember that it is just a role. If you don’t like it, you can always change it.

Namaste.   

The Mathematics of Agony

Our earthly life’s agony is mainly caused by our own suffering and the pain that our physical body has been subjected to. According to Bhikku Bodhi,

“Pain is inevitable and suffering is optional”.

Hence, from the two statements above, we can say that:

Agony = Suffering + Pain              [1]

Bhikku added that,

"Pain and suffering are not the same thing. Pain is a physical sensation; suffering is how we choose to experience it.”

Thus,

Pain is the unpleasant physical sensation associated with actual or potential damage to our body. While,

Suffering is defined as the basic affective experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with harm or threat of harm. It can be emotional and/or mental suffering. The intensity may vary depending on how an individual views a specific situation that causes him/her to suffer. An optimist may suffer less than a pessimist.

However, what causes suffering is our ego. The higher the ego, the higher the intensity of one’s suffering. Hence, suffering is directly proportional to ego:

Suffering  ∝ Ego                              [2]

Removing the proportionality symbol will provide us the constant, k:

Suffering = k(Ego)                           [3]

Our true nature or our true self remains all throughout, that is the constant, k. It is pure. It is the Divinity within us which is always shrouded by our Ego.

From equation [3] we can observe that if ego ceases to exist, there will be no suffering.

Suffering = k (0)

Suffering = 0

And if we become ego-less, our true self (k) expands to infinity,

Suffering = k (Ego)

k = Suffering / Ego

k = Suffering / 0

k = ∞

It is then when we have completely dissolved our ego that we will be able to re-discover our True and Divine Self.

Going back to equation [1] and incorporating equation [3]

Agony = Suffering + Pain              [1]

Agony = k(Ego) + Pain                    [4]

Therefore, our agony is a function of our own ego. Though pain is a reality, we can limit our agony by slowly conquering the ego that hinders us from remembering who we truly are.

“The Buddha compares being afflicted with bodily pain to being struck by an arrow. Adding mental pain (aversion, displeasure, depression, or self-pity) to physical pain is like being hit by a second arrow. The wise person stops with the first arrow.”

Namaste.

It All Ends Here

2nd of July 2011.

“Kuya. You need to call mama now. She is giving up.” That was the YM message that greeted me early morning that Saturday. 

Mom, was rushed to the ER for low blood pressure. She was scheduled that day for dialysis and I was also told that her doctor advised to have her remaining leg amputated. Her condition has worsened and she is getting weaker since she started having her dialysis sessions last August. Tried to call her on the same day but she was resting, talked to my dad and sister instead.

The next day, 

“Ma, how are you?”

“This is it kuya.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m tired. I want to rest now.”

“Hey Ma. If you are giving up because you are worried about the expenses, don’t think about it. We don’t have that much but we can surely find ways to obtain the money we needed.”

“No kuya. I’m really tired now.  I want to rest now.”

My mom has diabetes. I came home last August when she started having her dialysis. I already know that she won’t be staying for long. We even already said our goodbyes that time. Told her that if she decides to let go, she doesn’t have to worry anymore since she has raised us well and we are already okay. We have thanked her and told her how much we love her. She decided to stay a bit longer and spend more time with us.

5th of July 2011. It was raining hard when my cab was passing Mandaue City towards our place in Mabolo. I arrived at the airport around 5PM. When I reached home, my mom was at the table on her wheel chair. She was weaker than before. Her stare was different now. Her pupil, quite enlarged, but her mind was still sharp. Kissed her.

Every time I come home for vacation, I always stay out during the night and sleep during the day. But not this time. I was home for my mom, to stay with her till her last breath. I read that once a patient quits dialysis, it would only take them 8 to 15 days before they transcend. So, I have to stay with my mom.

Me, my dad, and my sister were rotating schedules in attending my Mom’s needs. I was on a graveyard shift. I didn’t mind. My body clock is well adjusted.

‘Up? Down? Wheelchair? Bed?’ Those were our usual routine with my mom. She can barely sit up and can no longer bring herself to the wheelchair. She is really weak and I have to lift her up when she want to sit down and slowly lay her to bed when she wants to sleep. There was even a time that she hasn’t slept for 3 days and I have to constantly move her literally every minute. Sometimes, mom would cry.

“Kuya. I am sorry. I know that you are already tired of me.”

“Ma, don’t you ever think that you are a burden to us.  What I am doing right now is negligible compared to what you have done for us. You know that we love you so much. And we truly care for you. So don’t you ever think that we have grown tired of you.”

“When is He going to take me kuya?”, my mom referring to her death.

“Ma, they said that once a patient stops the dialysis treatments, it would take 8 – 15 days before your final rest. And they say, you will transcend while at sleep.”

“So, which day are we now?”

“7th.”, I replied.

“Oh! 15th day is way too far for me. I just want to rest now.”

“It is actually too early than what my dream has told me. Thought you’ll be leaving us this November.”

“So you already, knew?”

“Kinda. Last February. I was expecting this will happen last quarter of this year but since you have already decided your fate, I guess, it is happening now. And you know what? The last Harry Potter Movie tagline is very interesting. It says IT ALL ENDS HERE. ”

“When is it going to be shown here”, my mom asks.

“14th July.”

“Well. The date is still too far for me.”

This is how open my Mom and I talk, even about death. For some conservative individuals, the topic is way too off limits. For them, death should never be discussed.

But the Harry Potter tagline really caught my attention when I was strolling inside one of the shopping malls in Cebu. I know that the Universe speaks to us in different ways. This is just one of the few.

When I read the line, it immediately crossed my mind that the showing date or the movie is somewhat significant. I thought, perhaps, this is the Universe’s way of telling me that everything has its ending. And that my mom, might leave us exactly on the movie’s showing date.

16th July 2011. Two days after the initial screening date of Harry Potter.  Mom did not transcend but she is getting weaker and weaker. After my graveyard shift, I slept for few hours, and went to Chong Hua Hospital’s renal unit and brought a box of Yellow Cab’s New york’s Finest pizza for the team. It was a ‘thank you’ gesture for their hospitality and support during my mom’s dialysis days. When I was going down the stairways, a nurse was shouting to her colleague,

“Are you really sure that you are ready?”

She was definitely talking to her fellow nurse but it seems that the question was intended for me.

“Am I ready?”, I asked myself.

“Yes I am. I have prepared myself for this and I have already accepted that sooner or later, mom has to let go.” 

After the pizza delivery, I went straight to SM City to purchase Harry Potter tickets for the next day. I had to buy them in advance since the movie seats easily get fully booked. Me, my sisters and a 12 year old cousin already planned for this. But while I was on my way, I already felt that we won’t be able to see the movie. The “It All Ends Here” tagline keeps on recurring in my mind. Nevertheless, I pushed through.

It was a long queue. Saturday, a weekend, that explains the crowd. It was my turn now.

“4 Harry Potter tickets please for tomorrow at 12PM.”

“250 each sir.”

“Yes. Go ahead.”

“Here are your tickets sir. You can claim your free snacks tomorrow at that counter.” While the cashier points to a snack bar.

While I was about exit the mall, I was reading the tickets and I noticed,

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon (3D)”

I had the wrong tickets.

“Geez. This is another sign.”

From that moment on, I was already convinced that we will not be able to see the movie as planned and that the next day, IT WILL ALL END HERE.

17th July 2011. 9AM. I was sleeping on the couch when I heard my father crying.  

“Your mom is not going to make it. She is so weak now.”, as he knelt down crying in front of my mom, leaning on her wheelchair. My dad was letting mom hear the televised mass in the living room, a usual Sunday routine.

“Pa, they said, we should not let her see us crying. You can take your breakfast now. I’ll take care of mom.”

“Are you still going to watch the movie?”, my dad asked.

“I’ll just give my ticket to auntie. She can go with them (my sisters and a 12 year old cousin) and watch it instead. I’ll just stay home with you guys.”

Mom, was a bit yellowish now. Her head leaning towards the left while her arms on her sides.

“Kuya, I want to lie down now.”, mom said.

I pushed her wheelchair towards her bedroom, wrapped my arms around her chest and lifted her to her bed. As she lay down, I kissed her on her forehead while whispering, I love you Ma. After a minute, she asked me to transfer her again to her wheelchair. Softly, I told her,

“Ma, you are so tired now. You need to rest. Just get some sleep for a while and we will get back to your wheelchair once you are awake, alright?”

She closes her eyes for a minute but then still requests that she be transferred to the wheelchair. I gave her my usual rebuttal because I wanted her to sleep and rest for a while. She really looks tired. However, she keeps on insisting.

“Kuya, just transfer me please. I want to sit down. I can sleep on my wheelchair.”

I then asked myself, “What if this is already her last request? To be transferred to her wheelchair and I did not give in to her appeal?”. “She might haunt me for the wheelchair.”, I jokingly told myself. So I transferred her.

“Here you go. You can sleep here.”, as I placed a pillow at the back of her head.

I was sitting in front of her while I softly stroke her left hand with my fingers just to let her know that I am around. My younger sister came down and sat beside me. She noticed,

“Kuya, mom’s stomach isn’t moving anymore.”

“Yeah. I guess she is really getting weaker now.”

Lately, mom has been belly-breathing, which is the normal breathing, I think, especially when we are asleep or unconscious. You can really notice the motion of her belly. But this time, it was not moving. But her mouth is. She does this when she is asleep. It seems that she is talking with someone and even with the facial expressions.

My sister left and went back up. I was with my mom alone. However, I was already worried. My tears started to fall. And suddenly, my mom’s mouth stopped moving.

“Ma.”, as I gently stroke her hand trying to wake her up.

“Ma. Let's transfer to your bed now. You can sleep better there.”

She didn’t respond or move.

I gently touched her belly to feel any motion but there was none. Touched her chest, tried to feel her heart beat, but there was none. Checked her wrist for pulse: nothing.

“Oh God. I think this is it.” my tears falling faster now.

There was a flashlight on her side. Took it and checked her eyes. Her pupil didn’t react. No dilation whatsoever.

She is gone.

It took me few more minutes to stand and tell my father and my sisters. I was worried for my dad. He had some heart issues in the past. I just don’t want to shock him. He was in the living room watching the television. I stood up from the bedroom,

“Pa, I think Mama is gone. Can you check her please?”. Tears were falling as I called my sisters to come down from their rooms upstairs.

Everyone was crying, most especially my dad. I was crying but deep inside I felt relieved for mom. She was in pain. She was tired and wanted to rest. And so she did. At least she is now free.

17th July 2011. 10AM. 15th day since she stopped having her dialysis. It was a peaceful passing for my mom. It was not sudden. We were all prepared. We have expressed our love to our mom ever since. And we have even already bid her a loving goodbye last August 2010. We told her how much we loved her and that we never had regrets having her as our mom. For us, she is the best mom and we are fortunate enough to express our thoughts and feelings towards her while she was still alive.

On that day, we were not able to see the Harry Potter movie. Though it says, “It All Ends Here”, life never ends. Perhaps, it might be an end to physical reality, but our soul is eternal. It is always in the state of becoming. Physical death is just another beginning to a new adventure.

Thus, never grieve when one transcends. Instead, be grateful that you are able to spend time with them. Cherish the memories you have and be thankful that in one way or another, you have shared a journey together even if it is for a short span of time. They have left for their purpose has been served, their mission has been accomplished, and their task has been completed. In this life, we just have to:

Live. Love. Laugh. Let go.

Namaste.