It All Ends Here

2nd of July 2011.

“Kuya. You need to call mama now. She is giving up.” That was the YM message that greeted me early morning that Saturday. 

Mom, was rushed to the ER for low blood pressure. She was scheduled that day for dialysis and I was also told that her doctor advised to have her remaining leg amputated. Her condition has worsened and she is getting weaker since she started having her dialysis sessions last August. Tried to call her on the same day but she was resting, talked to my dad and sister instead.

The next day, 

“Ma, how are you?”

“This is it kuya.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m tired. I want to rest now.”

“Hey Ma. If you are giving up because you are worried about the expenses, don’t think about it. We don’t have that much but we can surely find ways to obtain the money we needed.”

“No kuya. I’m really tired now.  I want to rest now.”

My mom has diabetes. I came home last August when she started having her dialysis. I already know that she won’t be staying for long. We even already said our goodbyes that time. Told her that if she decides to let go, she doesn’t have to worry anymore since she has raised us well and we are already okay. We have thanked her and told her how much we love her. She decided to stay a bit longer and spend more time with us.

5th of July 2011. It was raining hard when my cab was passing Mandaue City towards our place in Mabolo. I arrived at the airport around 5PM. When I reached home, my mom was at the table on her wheel chair. She was weaker than before. Her stare was different now. Her pupil, quite enlarged, but her mind was still sharp. Kissed her.

Every time I come home for vacation, I always stay out during the night and sleep during the day. But not this time. I was home for my mom, to stay with her till her last breath. I read that once a patient quits dialysis, it would only take them 8 to 15 days before they transcend. So, I have to stay with my mom.

Me, my dad, and my sister were rotating schedules in attending my Mom’s needs. I was on a graveyard shift. I didn’t mind. My body clock is well adjusted.

‘Up? Down? Wheelchair? Bed?’ Those were our usual routine with my mom. She can barely sit up and can no longer bring herself to the wheelchair. She is really weak and I have to lift her up when she want to sit down and slowly lay her to bed when she wants to sleep. There was even a time that she hasn’t slept for 3 days and I have to constantly move her literally every minute. Sometimes, mom would cry.

“Kuya. I am sorry. I know that you are already tired of me.”

“Ma, don’t you ever think that you are a burden to us.  What I am doing right now is negligible compared to what you have done for us. You know that we love you so much. And we truly care for you. So don’t you ever think that we have grown tired of you.”

“When is He going to take me kuya?”, my mom referring to her death.

“Ma, they said that once a patient stops the dialysis treatments, it would take 8 – 15 days before your final rest. And they say, you will transcend while at sleep.”

“So, which day are we now?”

“7th.”, I replied.

“Oh! 15th day is way too far for me. I just want to rest now.”

“It is actually too early than what my dream has told me. Thought you’ll be leaving us this November.”

“So you already, knew?”

“Kinda. Last February. I was expecting this will happen last quarter of this year but since you have already decided your fate, I guess, it is happening now. And you know what? The last Harry Potter Movie tagline is very interesting. It says IT ALL ENDS HERE. ”

“When is it going to be shown here”, my mom asks.

“14th July.”

“Well. The date is still too far for me.”

This is how open my Mom and I talk, even about death. For some conservative individuals, the topic is way too off limits. For them, death should never be discussed.

But the Harry Potter tagline really caught my attention when I was strolling inside one of the shopping malls in Cebu. I know that the Universe speaks to us in different ways. This is just one of the few.

When I read the line, it immediately crossed my mind that the showing date or the movie is somewhat significant. I thought, perhaps, this is the Universe’s way of telling me that everything has its ending. And that my mom, might leave us exactly on the movie’s showing date.

16th July 2011. Two days after the initial screening date of Harry Potter.  Mom did not transcend but she is getting weaker and weaker. After my graveyard shift, I slept for few hours, and went to Chong Hua Hospital’s renal unit and brought a box of Yellow Cab’s New york’s Finest pizza for the team. It was a ‘thank you’ gesture for their hospitality and support during my mom’s dialysis days. When I was going down the stairways, a nurse was shouting to her colleague,

“Are you really sure that you are ready?”

She was definitely talking to her fellow nurse but it seems that the question was intended for me.

“Am I ready?”, I asked myself.

“Yes I am. I have prepared myself for this and I have already accepted that sooner or later, mom has to let go.” 

After the pizza delivery, I went straight to SM City to purchase Harry Potter tickets for the next day. I had to buy them in advance since the movie seats easily get fully booked. Me, my sisters and a 12 year old cousin already planned for this. But while I was on my way, I already felt that we won’t be able to see the movie. The “It All Ends Here” tagline keeps on recurring in my mind. Nevertheless, I pushed through.

It was a long queue. Saturday, a weekend, that explains the crowd. It was my turn now.

“4 Harry Potter tickets please for tomorrow at 12PM.”

“250 each sir.”

“Yes. Go ahead.”

“Here are your tickets sir. You can claim your free snacks tomorrow at that counter.” While the cashier points to a snack bar.

While I was about exit the mall, I was reading the tickets and I noticed,

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon (3D)”

I had the wrong tickets.

“Geez. This is another sign.”

From that moment on, I was already convinced that we will not be able to see the movie as planned and that the next day, IT WILL ALL END HERE.

17th July 2011. 9AM. I was sleeping on the couch when I heard my father crying.  

“Your mom is not going to make it. She is so weak now.”, as he knelt down crying in front of my mom, leaning on her wheelchair. My dad was letting mom hear the televised mass in the living room, a usual Sunday routine.

“Pa, they said, we should not let her see us crying. You can take your breakfast now. I’ll take care of mom.”

“Are you still going to watch the movie?”, my dad asked.

“I’ll just give my ticket to auntie. She can go with them (my sisters and a 12 year old cousin) and watch it instead. I’ll just stay home with you guys.”

Mom, was a bit yellowish now. Her head leaning towards the left while her arms on her sides.

“Kuya, I want to lie down now.”, mom said.

I pushed her wheelchair towards her bedroom, wrapped my arms around her chest and lifted her to her bed. As she lay down, I kissed her on her forehead while whispering, I love you Ma. After a minute, she asked me to transfer her again to her wheelchair. Softly, I told her,

“Ma, you are so tired now. You need to rest. Just get some sleep for a while and we will get back to your wheelchair once you are awake, alright?”

She closes her eyes for a minute but then still requests that she be transferred to the wheelchair. I gave her my usual rebuttal because I wanted her to sleep and rest for a while. She really looks tired. However, she keeps on insisting.

“Kuya, just transfer me please. I want to sit down. I can sleep on my wheelchair.”

I then asked myself, “What if this is already her last request? To be transferred to her wheelchair and I did not give in to her appeal?”. “She might haunt me for the wheelchair.”, I jokingly told myself. So I transferred her.

“Here you go. You can sleep here.”, as I placed a pillow at the back of her head.

I was sitting in front of her while I softly stroke her left hand with my fingers just to let her know that I am around. My younger sister came down and sat beside me. She noticed,

“Kuya, mom’s stomach isn’t moving anymore.”

“Yeah. I guess she is really getting weaker now.”

Lately, mom has been belly-breathing, which is the normal breathing, I think, especially when we are asleep or unconscious. You can really notice the motion of her belly. But this time, it was not moving. But her mouth is. She does this when she is asleep. It seems that she is talking with someone and even with the facial expressions.

My sister left and went back up. I was with my mom alone. However, I was already worried. My tears started to fall. And suddenly, my mom’s mouth stopped moving.

“Ma.”, as I gently stroke her hand trying to wake her up.

“Ma. Let's transfer to your bed now. You can sleep better there.”

She didn’t respond or move.

I gently touched her belly to feel any motion but there was none. Touched her chest, tried to feel her heart beat, but there was none. Checked her wrist for pulse: nothing.

“Oh God. I think this is it.” my tears falling faster now.

There was a flashlight on her side. Took it and checked her eyes. Her pupil didn’t react. No dilation whatsoever.

She is gone.

It took me few more minutes to stand and tell my father and my sisters. I was worried for my dad. He had some heart issues in the past. I just don’t want to shock him. He was in the living room watching the television. I stood up from the bedroom,

“Pa, I think Mama is gone. Can you check her please?”. Tears were falling as I called my sisters to come down from their rooms upstairs.

Everyone was crying, most especially my dad. I was crying but deep inside I felt relieved for mom. She was in pain. She was tired and wanted to rest. And so she did. At least she is now free.

17th July 2011. 10AM. 15th day since she stopped having her dialysis. It was a peaceful passing for my mom. It was not sudden. We were all prepared. We have expressed our love to our mom ever since. And we have even already bid her a loving goodbye last August 2010. We told her how much we loved her and that we never had regrets having her as our mom. For us, she is the best mom and we are fortunate enough to express our thoughts and feelings towards her while she was still alive.

On that day, we were not able to see the Harry Potter movie. Though it says, “It All Ends Here”, life never ends. Perhaps, it might be an end to physical reality, but our soul is eternal. It is always in the state of becoming. Physical death is just another beginning to a new adventure.

Thus, never grieve when one transcends. Instead, be grateful that you are able to spend time with them. Cherish the memories you have and be thankful that in one way or another, you have shared a journey together even if it is for a short span of time. They have left for their purpose has been served, their mission has been accomplished, and their task has been completed. In this life, we just have to:

Live. Love. Laugh. Let go.

Namaste.

Finding the Right Reason

I wonder why life is being compared to a roller coaster ride.  I do love roller coasters specially the excitement it gives when you are the top then rushing down on an almost ninety degree fall while you almost have to puke your guts out. Roller coasters are really exciting. It scares the hell out of me but at the same time it is fun. Perhaps, it is the ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ that makes it comparable to life. When we are at the top, with our ecstasy and joy, we pray and hope that it will forever stay that way. But life as we know is not like that. Unfortunately, sooner or later, we dive down. But unlike roller coasters, we don’t fall with the feeling of excitement but it is of agony.  With this, some people think that life is cruel and it should not be that way. That pain should not be a part of it.

We all have our fair share of pain and despair. We know that physical pain will not last that long but it is the emotional and psychological pain that last longer. But then again, the time it takes for the emotional pain to completely heal would depend on the individual’s perspective on how he looks at things: whether the glass is half-empty or half-full.

Heartbreaks. They say, this is one of the most difficult things to handle.  A lot would really be having difficulty in ‘moving on’ most specially if they have been attached to their partner for quite a long time. Letting go indeed is very difficult. But if you are not able to let go, wounds will never heal. Suffering will persist. And how would we let go then? Just find the right reason.

A very close friend of mine once asked, “are we dating the wrong person?”. “No we aren’t. There is no such thing as a wrong person.” That was my answer. I have never considered them as 'wrong persons' for people come for a purpose.  I have enumerated to her perhaps the reasons why I have met them, like one was instrumental for my coming out as gay, the other led me back home, and another made me realize that I was not alone in this world. And I am not just talking about relationships. Every time when my life seems at its lowest, I believe deep inside that it has to happen, and that it has a purpose. And whatever that is, it is always for the better. I may not be able to find the reason today, but sooner or later, I will later thank this day for allowing me to learn and helping me survive.

So when you think you are the lowest point of your life, believe that there is a greater purpose why you are experiencing it right now. Instead of sulking and lingering on the pain, change your mindset. Be positive. Our mind is our worst enemy. It plays games on us. But once you are able to tame it well, it will be our greatest ally. With it we can do great things.

Don’t let your thoughts torture your soul. You are here to experience the joy of what physical reality can offer. Our soul is self-replenishing, self-sustaining for it is ever growing. But it is weakened by the negativity of our thoughts. Let it draw its strength and let it heal by believing that the world is full of goodness, peace and love.

Namaste.

Why Am I Here?

You look like you are in a deep thought.

Nah. I’m just listening to Amethystium’s Ethereal song while trying to observe the ‘life’ around. Made me ask, what really is the purpose of life? Why am I here?

You forgot?

Did I know?

Yeah. You do know. You are just so preoccupied with your physical reality that you have forgotten WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

Hmmm. You lost me there.

You are not your body. I hope you still remember that. Your body is just a physical manifestation of your thoughts and feelings. You create your body as you create your own reality.

I’m still not getting you. But, go on.

There is a consciousness within you. And it is the consciousness of your soul. Your soul is part of a greater whole, which also has its own consciousness. It is a collective consciousness. It is Universal. Your soul is part of it as it is part of you.

It is just like what Jesus said, that I am in you and you are in me, or something like that, right?

Indeed. To put it in another analogy, the Universal Consciousness is like your mind and body. It has its own consciousness but it is also ‘built up’ of other consciousness and ‘bodies’. Your cells, for example, they are driven by their own individual consciousness doing things ‘automatically’, while your mind is not even directing their actions. And because of this collective consciousness it forms the whole physical body.  

Got it. But does that explain my purpose in life?

This Universal Consciousness is always in a state of becoming. It is ever expanding. It continues to grow through the never ending experiences it gain from itself and through the individual consciousness, that which you are one of. Your physical reality is just one of the outlets that which the Universal Consciousness can grow. There are other realities aside from the reality that you are into right now.

Whoah! You mean, there are other realities out there?

Multitudes of realities. Your consciousness can shift from one reality to the other. When you are dreaming, you are shifting your consciousness to another reality which is equally real and as vivid as your physical reality. Even if you are awake, that ‘dream reality’ continues to ‘live’. It does not stop when you are awake. It remains in motion as well as any other reality that you have. But because you are so focused on your physical reality, you ‘lost contact’ with your other realities. Your dream reality is just one of them.

So how can I get in touch with my other realities then?

There are many ways to 'reconnect'. One is by recognizing that your physical reality is just one of the other realities. We can talk about this some other time since we have to answer your primary question, ‘why are you here?’.

Okay, so why am I here then?

Your soul is here to experience the joy, love, and peace of which it can express through many realities including your physical reality. You are not here to pay your ‘karmic debt’ which you might think you have acquired from your past lives. Yes. You have been in many lives as you are now through your other realities. You have with you immense knowledge and experiences from these lives that you are taking part of.  You are not here to redeem your soul in the after life, for you have never been condemned. In death, your physical body may degenerate but your soul will continue to live on for it is eternal. Your soul will then reassess its experiences as it adds up to the vast knowledge and wisdom that it has gained as it contributes to the unending expansion of the Universal Consciousness. Your soul will then plan out its next adventure and may choose to be reborn.

Oh man! That’s a lot to digest. But it is slowly making sense now. 

As what your other teacher (Seth) has said,

"You are here to aid in the great expansion of consciousness. You are not here to cry about the miseries of the human condition, but to change them when you find them not to your liking through the joy, strength and vitality that is within you; to create the spirit as faithfully and as beautifully as you can in flesh."

Namaste.

Video: Sign Posts

This is dedicated to those who are travelling with me in this journey. May our spirits find strength, courage, love and joy as we continue to walk towards our destiny. 

Breaking Away from Karmic Debt

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”

Galatians 6:7

Karma, the law of cause and effect, has always been one of my guiding principles in life. What ever you do, it always has its consequences. It can either be good or bad, depending on what you planted. However, according to some philosophies, the current status that we are in right now is the result of our past lives’ actions. Thus, there is what we call pre-determinism. It was difficult for me to digest. I can understand that my current action has its own respective results yet I can not take the idea that my past lives’ ‘mistakes’ are affecting my present conditions and the things to come. You may call this karmic debt. And they say, we are paying it in this lifetime.

There are times when frustrating events burden me, then I ask myself, ‘Is this bound to happen because of what I did in my past?’ Though I have started to accept the belief that these things, perhaps, are meant to be, it just leads me to another disturbing thought that ‘we are at the mercy of our past actions and that there is NOTHING we can do to change it’. This still had to be resolved within myself.

Reading Seth Speaks – The Eternal Validity of the Soul, gave me another nudge towards understanding WHO I TRULY AM, and that includes my past lives. I am not asking you to believe me on this since my truth may be different from yours. Yet this is what i choose to believe in. He, referring to Seth, said that our current situation is predetermined by our soul before we were born. Our soul decides to which kind of life it will live in this lifetime hoping that it will add up to the experiences that it has amassed from its multi-dimension personalities and past lives. It is not because we are doomed by our previous ‘mistakes’ and that our current life is bound to repay those ‘debts’.  Yes, we are in control of our life. We are not constrained. We are completely free to do our will. As what Seth has always been reiterating,

“And as I have said time and time again, you form the physical reality that you know.”

The things that are happening right now are caused by our thoughts, desires, and emotions, and not by predetermined events caused by our past mistakes.

In my search to resolve my belief of not being able to do something to change my karmic past, I came across these incorrect understandings of Karma,

In Buddhism, karma is not pre-determinism, fatalism or accidentalism, as all these ideas lead to inaction and destroy motivation and human effort. These ideas undermine the important concept that a human being can change for the better no matter what his or her past was, and they are designated as "wrong views" in Buddhism. The Buddha identified three:

• Pubbekatahetuvada: The belief that all happiness and suffering, including all future happiness and suffering, arise from previous karma, and human beings can exercise no volition to affect future results (Past-action determinism).
• Issaranimmanahetuvada: The belief that all happiness and suffering are caused by the directives of a Supreme Being (Theistic determinism).
• Ahetu-appaccaya-vaada: The belief that all happiness and suffering are random, having no cause (Indeterminism or Accidentalism).

With this I have found my resolve. I am free. I am not subject to my past mistakes. If I did act wrongfully in my past life, I can correct them now, in this present moment.

Thus, I came to this conclusion,

Before you were born, the stage has been set, the conditions have been established in advance, but the outcome is still undefined. It is up to you then on how you want your story to end. It is only you, and no one else, who chooses your destiny.

Namaste.