It All Ends Here

2nd of July 2011.

“Kuya. You need to call mama now. She is giving up.” That was the YM message that greeted me early morning that Saturday. 

Mom, was rushed to the ER for low blood pressure. She was scheduled that day for dialysis and I was also told that her doctor advised to have her remaining leg amputated. Her condition has worsened and she is getting weaker since she started having her dialysis sessions last August. Tried to call her on the same day but she was resting, talked to my dad and sister instead.

The next day, 

“Ma, how are you?”

“This is it kuya.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m tired. I want to rest now.”

“Hey Ma. If you are giving up because you are worried about the expenses, don’t think about it. We don’t have that much but we can surely find ways to obtain the money we needed.”

“No kuya. I’m really tired now.  I want to rest now.”

My mom has diabetes. I came home last August when she started having her dialysis. I already know that she won’t be staying for long. We even already said our goodbyes that time. Told her that if she decides to let go, she doesn’t have to worry anymore since she has raised us well and we are already okay. We have thanked her and told her how much we love her. She decided to stay a bit longer and spend more time with us.

5th of July 2011. It was raining hard when my cab was passing Mandaue City towards our place in Mabolo. I arrived at the airport around 5PM. When I reached home, my mom was at the table on her wheel chair. She was weaker than before. Her stare was different now. Her pupil, quite enlarged, but her mind was still sharp. Kissed her.

Every time I come home for vacation, I always stay out during the night and sleep during the day. But not this time. I was home for my mom, to stay with her till her last breath. I read that once a patient quits dialysis, it would only take them 8 to 15 days before they transcend. So, I have to stay with my mom.

Me, my dad, and my sister were rotating schedules in attending my Mom’s needs. I was on a graveyard shift. I didn’t mind. My body clock is well adjusted.

‘Up? Down? Wheelchair? Bed?’ Those were our usual routine with my mom. She can barely sit up and can no longer bring herself to the wheelchair. She is really weak and I have to lift her up when she want to sit down and slowly lay her to bed when she wants to sleep. There was even a time that she hasn’t slept for 3 days and I have to constantly move her literally every minute. Sometimes, mom would cry.

“Kuya. I am sorry. I know that you are already tired of me.”

“Ma, don’t you ever think that you are a burden to us.  What I am doing right now is negligible compared to what you have done for us. You know that we love you so much. And we truly care for you. So don’t you ever think that we have grown tired of you.”

“When is He going to take me kuya?”, my mom referring to her death.

“Ma, they said that once a patient stops the dialysis treatments, it would take 8 – 15 days before your final rest. And they say, you will transcend while at sleep.”

“So, which day are we now?”

“7th.”, I replied.

“Oh! 15th day is way too far for me. I just want to rest now.”

“It is actually too early than what my dream has told me. Thought you’ll be leaving us this November.”

“So you already, knew?”

“Kinda. Last February. I was expecting this will happen last quarter of this year but since you have already decided your fate, I guess, it is happening now. And you know what? The last Harry Potter Movie tagline is very interesting. It says IT ALL ENDS HERE. ”

“When is it going to be shown here”, my mom asks.

“14th July.”

“Well. The date is still too far for me.”

This is how open my Mom and I talk, even about death. For some conservative individuals, the topic is way too off limits. For them, death should never be discussed.

But the Harry Potter tagline really caught my attention when I was strolling inside one of the shopping malls in Cebu. I know that the Universe speaks to us in different ways. This is just one of the few.

When I read the line, it immediately crossed my mind that the showing date or the movie is somewhat significant. I thought, perhaps, this is the Universe’s way of telling me that everything has its ending. And that my mom, might leave us exactly on the movie’s showing date.

16th July 2011. Two days after the initial screening date of Harry Potter.  Mom did not transcend but she is getting weaker and weaker. After my graveyard shift, I slept for few hours, and went to Chong Hua Hospital’s renal unit and brought a box of Yellow Cab’s New york’s Finest pizza for the team. It was a ‘thank you’ gesture for their hospitality and support during my mom’s dialysis days. When I was going down the stairways, a nurse was shouting to her colleague,

“Are you really sure that you are ready?”

She was definitely talking to her fellow nurse but it seems that the question was intended for me.

“Am I ready?”, I asked myself.

“Yes I am. I have prepared myself for this and I have already accepted that sooner or later, mom has to let go.” 

After the pizza delivery, I went straight to SM City to purchase Harry Potter tickets for the next day. I had to buy them in advance since the movie seats easily get fully booked. Me, my sisters and a 12 year old cousin already planned for this. But while I was on my way, I already felt that we won’t be able to see the movie. The “It All Ends Here” tagline keeps on recurring in my mind. Nevertheless, I pushed through.

It was a long queue. Saturday, a weekend, that explains the crowd. It was my turn now.

“4 Harry Potter tickets please for tomorrow at 12PM.”

“250 each sir.”

“Yes. Go ahead.”

“Here are your tickets sir. You can claim your free snacks tomorrow at that counter.” While the cashier points to a snack bar.

While I was about exit the mall, I was reading the tickets and I noticed,

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon (3D)”

I had the wrong tickets.

“Geez. This is another sign.”

From that moment on, I was already convinced that we will not be able to see the movie as planned and that the next day, IT WILL ALL END HERE.

17th July 2011. 9AM. I was sleeping on the couch when I heard my father crying.  

“Your mom is not going to make it. She is so weak now.”, as he knelt down crying in front of my mom, leaning on her wheelchair. My dad was letting mom hear the televised mass in the living room, a usual Sunday routine.

“Pa, they said, we should not let her see us crying. You can take your breakfast now. I’ll take care of mom.”

“Are you still going to watch the movie?”, my dad asked.

“I’ll just give my ticket to auntie. She can go with them (my sisters and a 12 year old cousin) and watch it instead. I’ll just stay home with you guys.”

Mom, was a bit yellowish now. Her head leaning towards the left while her arms on her sides.

“Kuya, I want to lie down now.”, mom said.

I pushed her wheelchair towards her bedroom, wrapped my arms around her chest and lifted her to her bed. As she lay down, I kissed her on her forehead while whispering, I love you Ma. After a minute, she asked me to transfer her again to her wheelchair. Softly, I told her,

“Ma, you are so tired now. You need to rest. Just get some sleep for a while and we will get back to your wheelchair once you are awake, alright?”

She closes her eyes for a minute but then still requests that she be transferred to the wheelchair. I gave her my usual rebuttal because I wanted her to sleep and rest for a while. She really looks tired. However, she keeps on insisting.

“Kuya, just transfer me please. I want to sit down. I can sleep on my wheelchair.”

I then asked myself, “What if this is already her last request? To be transferred to her wheelchair and I did not give in to her appeal?”. “She might haunt me for the wheelchair.”, I jokingly told myself. So I transferred her.

“Here you go. You can sleep here.”, as I placed a pillow at the back of her head.

I was sitting in front of her while I softly stroke her left hand with my fingers just to let her know that I am around. My younger sister came down and sat beside me. She noticed,

“Kuya, mom’s stomach isn’t moving anymore.”

“Yeah. I guess she is really getting weaker now.”

Lately, mom has been belly-breathing, which is the normal breathing, I think, especially when we are asleep or unconscious. You can really notice the motion of her belly. But this time, it was not moving. But her mouth is. She does this when she is asleep. It seems that she is talking with someone and even with the facial expressions.

My sister left and went back up. I was with my mom alone. However, I was already worried. My tears started to fall. And suddenly, my mom’s mouth stopped moving.

“Ma.”, as I gently stroke her hand trying to wake her up.

“Ma. Let's transfer to your bed now. You can sleep better there.”

She didn’t respond or move.

I gently touched her belly to feel any motion but there was none. Touched her chest, tried to feel her heart beat, but there was none. Checked her wrist for pulse: nothing.

“Oh God. I think this is it.” my tears falling faster now.

There was a flashlight on her side. Took it and checked her eyes. Her pupil didn’t react. No dilation whatsoever.

She is gone.

It took me few more minutes to stand and tell my father and my sisters. I was worried for my dad. He had some heart issues in the past. I just don’t want to shock him. He was in the living room watching the television. I stood up from the bedroom,

“Pa, I think Mama is gone. Can you check her please?”. Tears were falling as I called my sisters to come down from their rooms upstairs.

Everyone was crying, most especially my dad. I was crying but deep inside I felt relieved for mom. She was in pain. She was tired and wanted to rest. And so she did. At least she is now free.

17th July 2011. 10AM. 15th day since she stopped having her dialysis. It was a peaceful passing for my mom. It was not sudden. We were all prepared. We have expressed our love to our mom ever since. And we have even already bid her a loving goodbye last August 2010. We told her how much we loved her and that we never had regrets having her as our mom. For us, she is the best mom and we are fortunate enough to express our thoughts and feelings towards her while she was still alive.

On that day, we were not able to see the Harry Potter movie. Though it says, “It All Ends Here”, life never ends. Perhaps, it might be an end to physical reality, but our soul is eternal. It is always in the state of becoming. Physical death is just another beginning to a new adventure.

Thus, never grieve when one transcends. Instead, be grateful that you are able to spend time with them. Cherish the memories you have and be thankful that in one way or another, you have shared a journey together even if it is for a short span of time. They have left for their purpose has been served, their mission has been accomplished, and their task has been completed. In this life, we just have to:

Live. Love. Laugh. Let go.

Namaste.