I Am Gay

This might not come as a surprise to other people especially to some friends, but yes. You read it right. I am gay.

It has been years now since I came out. But it took me time to accept myself for the society considers homosexuality as somewhat like a defect, or an illness that needs to be cured. Though there has already been wide acceptance about the said sexuality, we still can not deny that our world considers lesbians and gays as inferior to some extent and that even parents would always wish to have a ‘normal’ child.

I have known myself to be attracted to the same sex even when I was in my pre-kindergarten days. However, my fear of rejection forces me to suppress my own nature. The society expects me to be romantically involved only with the opposite gender. Thus, I have to fool myself of my true identity.

However, no matter how I try to keep it inside, my real self always find its way to re-surface. And then I asked myself, why do I have to hold it back when I am not even happy of what I am doing? Am I doing it because I wanted to please the people around me and that they wouldn’t be disappointed to know that I am gay? Like I said, I was afraid of rejection. But another interesting question emerged, why are they going to reject me? The answer is simple. Being gay is inferior and abnormal. At least that is how I was brought up to believe by our society.

What makes it inferior? I really don’t have any clue why it is considered that way since all of us are the same. Is it because being gay is not normal and that there are things the homosexual people do which are completely different from what our society dictates? Most people will probably argue that that homosexual acts [e.g. sexual intercourse with same gender] are not natural but we can even find it in evident in the animal kingdom, as stated in one research:

“No species has been found in which homosexual behaviour has not been shown to exist, with the exception of species that never have sex at all, such as sea urchins and aphis. Moreover, a part of the animal kingdom is hermaphroditic, truly bisexual. For them, homosexuality is not an issue.” [http://www.news-medical.net/news/2006/10/23/20718.aspx]

A docudrama, Prayers for Bobby, reiterates the ignorance of parents [society in general] in educating oneself about the truth of homosexuality. As portrayed in the film, the society condemns the person and not the acts. Haven’t you noticed this, there are instances when people idolized a certain personality and when they later realized that the person is a gay, it completely changes their view about the individual, and most often, it disappoints them to certain degree? We immediately tend to associate homosexuality with filth, perhaps with AIDS. Yet, even the disease itself is not exclusive to homosexuals but to heterosexuals as well. 

Perhaps, the root causes of the discrimination are the labels we put on ourselves. And since, homosexuality deviates from the norms, then we label it as inferior.

I wonder why we are so particular with labels. What does it make us if we graduated PhD from Harvard or lived in the tallest building in the world?  Would you be completely different if you wear a Louis Vuitton or drive a Ferrari? But when you are labelled as gay, it disappoints most people and to some extent, makes them furious. Then again, it all boils down to our ego. Surely a lot of people would strive to be the best so they would stand out, but when they fail, they are shattered.

Indeed, Ego, the root of all suffering, leads to labels, and labels to discrimination. Discrimination separates us causing us to forget that we are all one and the same.

And as I convince myself that these things are just merely labels and whatever the society calls it to be, it should not affect our true divinity within. Thus let me say it again one more time: Yes I am Gay.

Namaste. 

The Egg

It really makes me happy to know that I am not alone in having the same views about God and our existence. The following story is written by Andy Weir. It illustrates our ONE-ness with ALL.

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

Author’s Note: I wrote this some time ago and posted it here. Later on, someone posted the entirety of the text to 4chan without my name, and then reddit posted an image of that page. Somewhere along the way the authorship got lost in the shuffle. So to be clear: Yes, I wrote this. No, it’s not a repost from somewhere else. This page is the original source.

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

Source: http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg.html 

The Buddha Smile

The director of research, who is second to the deputy oil minister of a certain country, has been following up on our project recently. The current director has just been installed, temporarily. He is an interim officer, trying to prove his worth to keep his position permanent. Thus, he meddles with the project more often. Though he has the right to do it since this is their [government] project and they paid a huge amount for it, the way he handles the development is terrible and irrational or better yet, simply stupid [in an earthly, egoistic sense of the word – please forgive the labelling. :) ] .

Consider these:

• Since we are setting up a pilot plant inside one of their country’s huge petrochemical zones, he wants our company to pay for the insurance of all the buildings, plants, and complexes surrounding our unit.

Well, he can probably just ask us to insure the whole nation then. We are not even working on any nuclear device. We just simply want to produce a monomer, which of course they wanted us to do. He probably expects that if something goes wrong, it will cause the total annihilation of their country or at least the whole city.

• He wants our company to pay for the salaries of all the complex’s employees.

According to him, they only have one research project as of the moment, which is [unfortunately] the one we are working on. Thus, all the employees inside the complex, including the drivers, security guards, janitors, and the like are now only ‘working’ for us and we should be billed for their salaries while we are busy with the commissioning of our unit.

• Even during meetings, he throws senseless and other illogical points which make you wonder why he became a director.

There was even one time when I was representing my boss in a meeting with him and I was taking the minutes, he looked straight at me and said, “Tell your doctor [referring to my PhD boss] that if he wants his money, he has to come here [referring to his country] and CRY for it!”. Well, I just looked at him with a smirk on my face and responded, “Don’t worry I will surely put that on record!”. He was quite surprised with my answer. Perhaps he thought it would scare me a bit.  He tried to take it back explaining that it was really difficult for them to obtain the budget, and that they have to literally cry for it. However, I already know that what he was saying was full of crap. I know that the budget has long been approved by their congress / legislation and that the money is just sitting in the bank waiting for us. Thus, whatever he said to take it back did not matter anymore. Unfortunately for him, I really wrote it down in the meeting minutes. My boss attached it to his letter to the director and copied to everyone including the director’s superior. Funny thing is, the director then sent a reply and explained that he was misquoted. He meant TRY instead of CRY. For an average English speaker like him, I still can not figure out the grammar behind his statement if I will replace CRY with TRY. Our colleague who happens to be a native of their country who was also in the meeting told me that the director even translated it into their own language. And to make the letter more interesting, the director then noted, “Due to the confidentiality of the information, only send your correspondences directly to me without copying other personnel.”

There was also one meeting that our lead engineer was already furious with the director. Though we can not imagine our lead engineer being mad since he is very patient and even if he is angry, he still is very soft and smiles. The director keeps on pushing about safety at work [safety helmets, shoes, and stuff] and us not following the safety procedure. Their safety team really keeps a good eye on us and immediately reports to the management even if, just for an instance, we forgot to wear a helmet. Though I agree, that safety is  really important, what is interesting is, their employees are not even doing it. And what’s worse, when the director comes to the site, he is accompanied with several managers who are not even wearing their helmets. And in the meeting, our lead engineer got so irritated that he told the director, “You keep on insisting that we have to follow the safety measures which we really do. But your employees are not even complying. I even have pictures of you and your team inside the pilot plant without safety helmets!”. Perhaps, the director got really scared that after the meeting, he instructed the security guards to confiscate the camera of our lead engineer. And of course, our lead engineer did not give in.

And after doing and saying all these things, he really finds time to talk you out of it telling you, ”it was never meant to be like that” – and other kinds of sh*t!

Aside from what I have mentioned above, there are already several instances and encounters which will really make you perhaps conclude why their country is at it’s current state --- it is because they have such ‘interesting’ leaders. 

And why am I telling you this?

I came to a point that I decided to be cold at them, especially to the director. Even if he comes to our control room and greets me and shakes my hand, I just simply greet him too and take his hand then turn my back and continue with my work. Even if we meet inside the complex, along the corridors or in the lobby, I just nod at him with a poker face. I keep on telling myself that I am not feeding my ego with this because I am simply being cold. I am not mad and I am not even retaliating, or am I?

In spite of this, something within, perhaps my AWARENESS, is telling me that I am still nourishing my ego. I can feel a sense of satisfaction every time I ignore him. I can even see that ‘evil’ grin on my face every time I turn my back. Yet, it was yesterday when the director shook my hand again to greet that I realized that there was something which doesn’t seem right. My CONSCIOUSNESS was AWARE that my EGO was at work. From then on, I decided to stop acting cold for even if I did not react furiously of his actions, my coldness was simply an act of retaliation, a revenge orchestrated by my EGO --- signifying that it still does exist and reside in me.

With this, I have come to understand why an enlightened soul, a being devoid of ego, only smiles even if, from our earthly and egoistic perspective, his pride, dignity has been stepped upon. I have come to comprehend that even if someone slaps his cheek, he offers the other side; even if the people stones him to death, he still continues to wear that Buddha Smile.

By understanding this I may have acquired the knowledge yet it is in doing that we may gain the wisdom of the wise. I still have a long journey to take.

Namaste.

Patience & Ego

This blog was supposed to allow me to vent out all of the frustrations and feelings I have towards the people whom we are working with here in Iran, specifically our client. Yet, I have always tried to control the outburst within. Yes, I admit, it is easier said than done. I may easily talk about conquering the ego, but when we are subjected to an attack, we are bound to retaliate. Luckily, I had it in control, at least for now. As one of our colleagues said, just relax, close your eyes and chant, OOOOOMMMMM.

You might think that something big happened today. It’s not that bad at all but, let us just say we had some kind of ‘tension’ with the client that we even contemplated on packing our bags and leaving the project behind, unfinished. LOL.

While we were leaving the site heading to the hotel, I was already formulating my blog in my head. Preparing to write some ‘interesting’ stuff about our client. But then again, that only feeds my ego which I am still trying to overcome.  Thus, I decided just to keep them for myself.

There is an interesting thing that made me realize today though. It is about patience.

Patience is only but a cap to trap the ego inside. Yet, when the ego bursts into anger, the cap simply breaks open.

In a chemical engineer’s point of view [please forgive this analogy because I can’t think of something else. :P], patience is a like a relief valve to a pressure vessel. When that vessel is over pressurized, the relief valve simply releases the pressure inside. Hence, being patient does not signify that you have already overcome your ego. Sooner or later, your patience will run out then your ego will surely erupt and perhaps, rip apart those who over ‘pressurized’ you. If you have been patient, it means that ego still resides in you, for an ego-free self does not require a cap to protect it from exploding.

Today, I realized that I was just being patient.

Namaste. 

Being Vegetarian

It has been a year now that I have become a vegetarian. Lacto-ovo to be exact. It was supposedly temporary. My aim was just to lose weight and make myself lean [which, by the way, I am still working on it. *winks*]. My target was just for 3 months but it went a little bit further, it has become permanent.

I decided to remain one because it provided me some benefits. First, I feel like I don’t easily size up and my weight remains at its normal level. Well, that of course is coupled with 4-6 times workout in a week.  Second, I have noticed some advantages which I really didn’t anticipate:

a)      Clarity

b)      Sensitivity

c)       Mindfulness

d)      Universal Connection

I really didn’t expect these things. All I wanted was to get lean and perhaps, at least follow what most Buddhist monks have been practicing – being vegetarians. I really thought that they were only doing it because they respect the lives of all sentient beings. However, it was actually more than that. It was only then that I realized that staying away from meat improves your clarity of thoughts, sensitivity of other peoples’ feelings, mindfulness of the things around you, and your connection with the Universal Consciousness.

On Clarity

A friend of mine told me that he has read from somewhere that in the ancient times, before the generals would meet for a war strategy assembly, they would stay away from meat for at least three days. He said, it helps them clear their mind, thus can strategize efficiently. I really don’t have any idea if it is true, but it really made sense though because it really does clear my mind. I am no longer irritable and I don’t easily think of ill-thoughts of others anymore. In my previous years, I was a short-tempered, and jealous guy even to my friends. However, lately, I just brush those thoughts off and tell myself “there is always an innate goodness in everyone and it is only my mind that plays tricks on me.”

I was once in a perfume shop and one of the store clerks asked me if I wanted to eat Shawarma [sandwich-like wrap of shaved lamb, goat, chicken, turkey, or beef]. I told him no and that I am a vegetarian. He was quite surprised since he said that is pretty unusual for a Filipino to be vegetarian. As a Hindu and practicing vegetarian himself, he then added that it can help me minimize stress and clears my mind too. Well, that says enough then.

On Sensitivity

I have always been sensitive with other people’s feeling. I can easily feel the pain or the happiness in an individual. Maybe, that is the reason why I easily cry, but not publicly though. Lately, when I started becoming vegetarian, the sensitivity seems to intensify and not only with feelings but sometimes with other people’s thoughts. Yeah, I know, some people will now call me crazy. I don’t read minds though but it just that there have been a lot of times that I say to myself ‘Hey! I know what your are thinking.” They say, that an emotion is always triggered by [a] thought[s]. I guess that is the reason why when you can feel the person, you can also know what he is thinking.

On Mindfulness

Perhaps since your mind has become clear, and your sensitivity has been heightened, then we become more aware of the things that are happening around us. We begin to understand the reasons behind every event that has taken place. You will notice that the Universe will speak to you in different forms – through people, things, and incidents, among others. And once you have become mindful, you will start to ask questions like ‘Where is the Universe leading me now?’,   and ‘What is it telling me?’

On Universal Connection

We are created with and of the same life force / energy. We are part of a greater whole and that we are connected in one way or another. However, since we are so much preoccupied in fulfilling our ego’s desires, we have lost that link with the Universal Consciousness --- the collective consciousness of everyone’s individual awareness. Once we have cleared our minds and become sensitive with others, our connection to the ONE flows without restraints. And if this happens, you will be able to communicate freely to the UNIVERSE. Though the Universe always listens to you, there will no longer be barriers. The two-way communication becomes effective and that you will be able to grasp the Universe’s message as it speaks to you.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that once you refrain from eating meat, you will immediately experience these effects. Though being vegetarian will really help in achieving clarity, sensitivity and the like, but if your ego is strong enough, it will still overpower you. Thus, in your quest to conquer your ego, staying away from meat is only one of the tools of achieving your goal.

Namaste. 

The Paradox of Suffering

The intensity of ones suffering can never be compared with another individual’s experience. No matter how you put yourself into his shoe, it will still remain his shoe and will never be yours. However, you can always gauge your own suffering based on the things that you have gone through. Perhaps, some experiences were not that tough, a few might be too hard that you might have already entertained the thought of ending your life. Yet, no matter how painful it is, keep in mind that ‘this too shall pass’, unless you linger on your suffering which consequently prolongs your agony.

There are only two things that can happen when you suffer. One is, you hang on to the pain until ‘time’ heals it and you ‘move on’ and forget about what has happened. The second is, you begin to ask what caused it. You tend to be introspective and start to look for the answers how it came about ---which happens rarely. But if you will really try to seek for the answers, you will be able to find it.

Ego, not money, is the root of all ‘evil’. At least, that is what I believe in.

There was one point in my life that I really felt devastated. Though it didn’t show from the outside, I was a total wreck.  But time was on my side, it helped me heal the wounds. I was alive again, yet only for a while. The arrow struck me again and the cycle never ended. And as the wheel of life turns me upside down, it woke me up to the reality that I was the only one responsible for my own anguish. Thus, my quest began to look for the cure of my suffering. And along  my journey, I have come to meet myself. Not the real me, but the illusionary identity that has been moulded by our society. That which we call ‘I’ --- the EGO.

It is the ego that causes pain in us. It is the ego that tortures us. Thus, once we have conquered our ego, suffering seizes to exist. Yet, in order for us to know our ego, we have to recognize our own suffering for without experiencing the agony, we will never encounter our ego. Hence, the paradox,

It is through our suffering that our suffering ends.

Namaste.

Angels & Demons

In my quest to eliminate my own agony, I have come to recognize that ego is the root of all suffering. The ego in us is the illusionary identity which draws its strengths from others’ weaknesses and is threatened by their superiority. Every time we try to show off, it boosts our ego. However, when someone seems far better than us, we feel inadequate and it saddens us – hence contributes to our ‘suffering’. The intensity of our suffering depends on how the ego is hurt. And oftentimes, it retaliates, especially if it has been wounded terribly. “Wait till I get my hands on him!”, perhaps, this is one of the most common statements we hear.

We have given birth to our ego when we started to identify the things around us as ‘ours’, or ‘mine’. When we begin to refer to ourself as ‘I’ or ‘me’. We start to envy the things that ‘he’ or ‘they’ may have. And we strive to get more to be better than ‘them’. As we make every effort to stand out from the rest, we struggle - a usually painful undertaking. And if we fail, our ego is devastated. Disappointment and frustration will set in. Thus, suffering begins. However, if we have achieved what we have been longing for, we are contented just only for few moments for there will always be someone or something better, your ego will again begin its pursuit in attaining a similar goal, but a much superior one than what you have now. Thus, the cycle never ends exposing you to more suffering and pain.

It is very easy to identify your ego for it is the only  ‘thing’ that gets hurt. However, keep in mind that the ego is just an illusion. It is not the real you. The Divinity in you is the real you. It is called the Awareness. The Consciousness. It speaks through you in pure goodness and love. Thus, when someone ‘hurts’ you, it is not your true self who has been wounded but your ego. When ‘someone’ attacks you, it is not his Divinity in him that harasses you but his ego. Thus, the bible passage,

"Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots."

Luke 23:34

Put down your guard for freeing yourself from ego releases you from your own torment. Live, love, laugh, and never hesitate to let go. Namaste.